We open on Jaime, surrounded by haters. Dany’s looking murderous and talking about her best-big-bro Viserys, that utter prick she resembles more every week. Apparently they used to fantasize about what they’d do to Jaime Lannister when they took back the kingdom. The fact that she’s channelling Viserys rings zero alarm bells for Dany.
She points out that Jaime hasn’t brought the Lannister army with him: ‘I see one man. With one hand.’
Jon looks faintly sick in the background. Jaime admits Cersei never meant to send her army; in fact, she’s amassing a better one: ‘Even if we defeat the dead, she’ll have more than enough to destroy the survivors.’
Dany chafes at the ‘we’. Jaime declares that he promised to fight for the living. Tyrion vouches for Jaime. Dany thinks Jaime’s there to cut her throat. Sansa agrees with Dany – until Brienne steps in and declares she’d fight beside Jaime. I’m sold; Brienne could sell me a timeshare condo full of Tupperware.
Sansa’s convinced and says Jaime can stay. Dany, about to go full Mean Girls: ‘And what does the warden of the North say about it, given his balls are in my purse?’
Jon squirms with incestuous regret and says they need every man they can get – Jaime’s going to die next week anyhow.
Jaime’s allowed to stay. Jon’s off to scrub himself in another 300-degree shower. Jaime and Brienne exchange a look of mutual admiration and repressed sexual longing. Tyrion’s in deep shit with Dany, who stomps down the hall like a toddler who’s skipped her nap: ‘Cersei still sits on the throne. If you can’t help me take it back, then I’ll find another hand who can!’
You know who I miss? Slave-liberating Dany. Dracarys-kill-all-the-masters Dany. Dany of biblical awesomeness who walked out of the flames in Vaes Dothrak.
Stompy Winterfell Dany sucks.
To the forge, where sweaty Gendry’s hammering his steel and sticking it in stuff and shit’s all steamy and oh look – there’s Arya. She wants to know if he has something for her. I swear to God this is the opening scene of a fanfic porno.
Arya wants her special weapon. Gendry wants her to hide from the White Walkers down in the crypt with the rest of the women and children. Arya kicks Gendry in the balls and he falls over and dies. The end.
Arya wants intel on the White Walkers; what do they look like? How do they move? How do they smell? Can they do the fandango? Gendry says they smell like mothballs and death. DEATH, Arya!
Arya throws knives to show Gendry she’d legit and gives us the line from the teaser: ‘I know death. He’s got many faces. I look forward to seeing this one.’
Gendry giggles like a school girl and promises to get right on making Arya’s weapon. I’m assuming everything is either symbolism or euphemism at this point.
To the Godswood, where Jaime’s sorry for what he did to Bran.
Bran: ‘If you hadn’t pushed me from that window, you’d still be a douchebag – and I’d still be Brandon Stark.’
Jaime looks the least confused out of anyone that has heard Bran talk like this. Bran volunteers that he’s ‘something else now’. Dude, no one cares.
Jaime can’t believe Bran didn’t tell anyone that Jaime pushed him from the tower.
Bran: ‘You can’t die next week if they revenge-kill you now.’
Jaime: ‘What about afterwards?’
Bran, Winterfell’s Top Motivational Speaker: ‘How do you know there is an afterwards?’
Tyrion and Jaime, together again like Luke and Han at Jabba’s Palace. Jaime wants to know if Tyrion’s sure about Dany. Tyrion – somehow – still is. Tyrion wants to know if Cersei was lying about the pregnancy too. Jaime says that part is real. Are we sure? Tyrion’s glad he’s managed to deny Cersei the pleasure of killing him, which I guess means Cersei’s gonna kill him in the next couple of weeks. Jaime spots Brienne and longs for the touch of a tall, honourable woman.
Field of burning repressed love and mutual fate. Pod has long hair and sword skillz. Jaime appears next to Brienne. They briefly talk war tactics before Brienne freaks out: ‘We have never had a conversation last this long without you insulting me.’
Jaime tells Brienne he came to Winterfell because he would be honoured to serve under her. Under her. Brienne melts into a puddle of honorable blonde goo. FFS, JUST HAVE SEX BEFORE EVERYONE DIES.
To Dany, who’s dripping acid in front of the fire. Jorah appears and urges her to stop being such a fucking ballache all the time. Dany asks Jorah if he’s advising her to forgive the man that ‘stole his position’. That’s some pretty damn selective memory there, Dany. Remember how you asked Tyrion to be your hand and he knelt in front of you and told you that you were the only thing he believed in? No?
Jorah has one other suggestion: SANSA/DANY PILLOW FIIIIIGHT!
Dany approaches Sansa for a private chat and immediately starts bitching about not being able to trust her own advisors. Sansa outclasses Dany by telling her Tyrion is a good man. Dany still blames him for Cersei. Sansa points out that Dany shouldn’t have been so fucking stupid as to trust Cersei in the first place. Sansa is my queen.
Dany: We both have vaginas. FIGHT THE PATRIARCHY!
Sansa tells Dany that she’s concerned Jon has been manipulated by his love for Dany. Dany declares that her love for Jon outranks her desire to take the throne…at least for the next 45 minutes. She and Sansa hold hands and giggle about Jon’s height. It’s all going swimmingly until Sansa asks what happens to the North. Dany rips her hand away. They head to the great hall and find Theon, who wants to fight for Winterfell. Sansa’s all moved and shit. Theon’s going to die next week, and I’m genuinely sad about it.
Winterfell soup queue, where Davos is doling out food and Gilly’s directing helpless women towards the crypts so raised Stark corpses can hunt them down quickly and efficiently next week. I feel like this scene was written solely so we can see Gilly and thus be upset when she dies during the battle. Is this a good time to bring up my gonna-die list for next week? My predictions, in no particular order:
- Beric Dondarrion
- The little girl Davos gives soup to
- Grey Worm
- Lord Commander Edd and the Night’s Watch
Speaking of Edd – he’s made it to Winterfell with Beric, Tormund, and what’s left of the Night’s Watch. Man-hugs all round. Tormund tells Jon they had to travel around the army of the dead to get to Winterfell. Everyone agrees that bypass highway was a great investment.
Jon: How long do we have?
Tormund: Enough time for a war room meeting, work drinks, awkward sex and a messy break-up.
Montage footage showing war preparations, while Jon lectures: The enemy does not tire, etc etc. Then it’s to the war room for the strategy meeting.
Beric: What the fuck are we going to do?
Bran: The Night King wants me. MEEEEEEEEE!
Bran: Um…he wants to erase this world and I’m its memory?
Sam: Oh, yes. That makes sense.
Narrator: But it didn’t. It didn’t make any fucking sense at all.
Tyrion: I think we shou—
Dany: Tyrion, you’ll be in the crypt.
Tyrion: I’m perfectly capable of—
Dany: THE FUCKING. CRYPT.
The meeting breaks up. Dany looks longingly at Jon, who cold-shoulders her. Tyion snuggles up to Bran, eager to hear the long, confusing tale about how Bran is something else now.
To the yard, where Grey Worm and Missandei have even less fucking sexual chemistry than that time they disrobed in front of each other like human cyborgs. Once the war is over, Grey Worm wants to go on a 28-day cruise of the Caribbean. Missandei doesn’t have the heart to tell him he’s on the list.
Up on the battlements, Sam and Jon are hanging out with Ghost. GHOST! Wait…he looks kind of little. Did they just pick up a stray and spray-paint it white?!
Sam wants to know if Jon has told Dany yet. Jon tells Sam to piss off to the crypt with the women and children. Sam points out that he was the first to kill a White Walker and have sex and read books. Or something. Sam, Edd and Jon remember the good old days, back when they used to live a simple life of excruciating hardship fighting beyond the wall. Ah, memories.
Tyrion and Jaime are making jelly shots and reminiscing about the first time they came to Winterfell.
Jaime: ‘I was sleeping with my sister and you had one friend in the world…who was sleeping with his sister.’ Really? We use past tense about this already? You were sleeping with her two weeks ago.
Brienne arrives with Pod. Tyrion pours everyone wine. Davos arrives with Tormund, who tries to impress with a story about guzzling a giant’s breast milk. This scene must have sounded better on paper; on screen it’s just fucking weird.
Arya finds the Hound, and their second reunion warms my heart. Beric appears and Arya leaves, refusing to spend her final hours with these two miserable old shits. Ha! She’s going to shoot arrows instead…and Gendry’s going to watch like a complete fucking lurker. He emerges from the shadows and gives Arya her weapon.
Gendry: ‘I’m here to bitch about leeches.’
Arya *takes off her gloves*
Kissing. Undressing. This scene made me squirm a bit given Maisie Williams will always be fourteen in my mind, but this made up for it: ‘I’m not the Red Woman. Take your own bloody pants off.’
Totally stealing that line.
Winterfell’s Breakfast Club. Tyrion muses that – at one time or another- everyone in the room has fought the Starks. Now they’re going to die agonising deaths for them. – hurrah!
Tormund wants to know why women can’t be knights.
Brienne: ‘I don’t want to be a knight. ‘
Jaime *whips out his sword* ‘Get over here.’
My husband: ‘I reckon Jaime’s going to be really great fighting with his left hand next week!’
Me, aloud: ‘Yeah!’
Me, internally: He’s dead. Deady-dead-dead.
Jaime knights Brienne. Everyone claps and Brienne smiles and cries and I’m fucking dying. If they kill Brienne I’m going to set fire to something.
To the yard, where Lyanna Mormont is placing herself on the gonna-die list by insisting she stay above ground and fight. Farewell, Lyanna. You were awesome.
Sam shows up and gives Jorah the sword Heartsbane, because it’s heavy and stuff. Jorah promises to wield it in Jeor Mormont’s memory. Sam seals Jorah’s fate by telling him he’ll see him ‘when it’s through’.
Back to the Breakfast Club, and oh fuck – someone’s gonna sing. It’s going to be Podrick because fantasy tropes dictate only hobbit-like men are allowed to break into song over a somber pre-war montage.
Podrick sings – okay fine, he’s quite good – as we cut to a couple montage. Sansa and Theon (wait…is that happening??). Arya and Gendry, post-coital. Grey Worm and Missandei, mashing their faces together in an attempt to generate chemistry. And finally – Jon and Dany.
Jon’s standing before his mother’s statue in the crypt. Dany snuggles up to him and says everyone told her Rhaegar was decent – yet he raped Lyanna.
Jon: ‘Rhaegar loved Lyanna, they were married, I’m their son and my real name s Aegon Targaryen.’
Dany: ‘Horseshit. ‘
Jon: ‘It’s true. Bran is the living embodiment of history…or something.’
Here are all the reactions Dany could have had:
‘I have family and I’m not the last of my line, hurrah!’
‘Fuck me, this makes Christmas awkward.’
‘We will rule together, side by side, and break that wheel I used to care about!’
Nope. She’s just pissed: ‘If it were true…it would make you the last male heir of House Targaryen. You’d have claim to the Iron Throne.’
She glares at Jon the way I sometimes glare at my husband after I’ve had a dream he did something awful, but in reality he did fucking nothing wrong. The horn of doom sounds; the dead have arrived.
Next week: Death! Mayhem! Dragons! Arrows! Swords! The dead are already here and they’re going to kill every last woman and child down in those crypts!